


Endure

by prayforpiett



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Drinking, F/M, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Lavellan really needs a therapist, Look what you have done to her you egghead, Nightmares, Trauma, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, oooh boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:49:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26585398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prayforpiett/pseuds/prayforpiett
Summary: "It was fitting that he called her “ma vhenan” because after he left her, she became just as cold and empty as his heart probably was."Lavellan tries to cope with Solas's betrayal.
Relationships: Female Lavellan & Dorian Pavus, Female Lavellan & Sera (Dragon Age), Female Lavellan/Solas, The Iron Bull & Female Lavellan (Dragon Age)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	Endure

**Author's Note:**

> If everyone got together in Skyhold after the Exalted Council...

Namari had never understood the shemlen’s fascination with beer. She just couldn’t acquire a taste for the drink, no matter how the Iron Bull tried to convince her about the wonders of the gods awful liquid. It tasted nothing like the sweet fruit wines of her Clan. But it was just as good as any other way to drown her sorrows. She grimaced as the lukewarm liquid touched her tongue but after wiping the foam off of her mouth, she swallowed again. She supposed that it was better that the taste didn’t remind her of her old home because tonight, she only intended to grieve the new one. After all, one can only take so much sorrow at once and she didn’t want to find out her limits yet. There’ll be enough time for that, tomorrow and after tomorrow until her world crumbles in Solas’s hands. She clutched her mug harder as his name came into her mind, invited yet unwelcome. This night, after all, was dedicated to him, she thought bitterly, yet she didn’t want to even think about him. But he was an insistent man, not easy to ignore so she eventually caved to him and let the memories fill her mind. 

It was fitting that he called her “ma vhenan” because after he left her, she became just as cold and empty as his heart probably was. Well, that was not entirely true. She knew that their love was real – it was this situation’s only anchor to her already shaky reality - but it was easier not to attempt to reconcile the Dread Wolf with the man who held her so gently when she cried in the middle of the night. She suddenly wished that he had only used her for his own gains and played with her emotions like the over the top antagonists in Cassandra’s books. Life would be much easier and probably better if it was a romance novel. She came to realise, the more she lost, the more appeal fiction had. Not the kind of stories her Keeper would tell them on winter nights about gods and two-faced wolves, or the ones Solas would whisper in her ears about dreams and forgotten lands, but the ones full of innocent marvel about the simple things in life. 

Suddenly, a gentle but firm hand touched her shoulder. 

“Boss, I think it’s time to stop.” 

“Leave me alone, Bull,” she grumbled without looking up. 

“That’s your third mug and you are not used to alcohol.” 

“And your point is...?” 

“The point is, that we are all worried about you.” Dorian’s voice said. 

“You all...?” Namari whipped her head around. 

Bull, Sera, and Dorian were all standing in the tavern, the shadows darkening their already grim expressions 

“Well, it’s hard not to be concerned when the leader of the organization that’ll prevent the end of the fucking world is drinking herself to death, innit?” 

Sera’s laughter was strained and suddenly, Namari didn’t want them here. 

“Leave me alone, I’m not in the mood for this.” 

“That bastard is not worth-” 

Bull interrupted before Sera could finish the sentence, shooting a warning glance at her. 

“Listen, I know it’s hard, Boss, I sure as Hell do. Losing people, in one way or another, is never easy. But don’t give him the satisfaction of you falling apart .” 

“Contrary to popular belief, I’m not only good for witty remarks and looking good. I’m here to talk if you need someone to help... make sense of this mess. ” Dorian’s face softened. “Please, let me help, Namari.” 

Something bubbled inside her, something ugly that tasted of beer, bile and unshed tears. She had enough of hurting; for once she wanted to wound someone before they could do the same to her. 

“I can’t talk to you.” 

“Why not?” Dorian asked, confused. 

“Because I’m not sure which one of you’ll betray me next.” 

The air in the room froze and she already regretted it but the ugly thing inside her was just pouring out of her mouth and she just couldn’t sto- 

“Will you be the one, Dorian? The next Blackwall? The next Solas? Will you stab me in the back just to leave me alone again? And say that “you take no pleasure in this”? Or you, Bull? Will I find out that this... friendship never existed? You know, the funny thing is that I can never tell when you lie. You just don’t have any tells. So I’m just probably eating up all your bullshit like the idiot, I obviously am. Ha, Bullshit. Funny.” She hiccuped and let out a peal of hysterical laughter. “And what about you Sera? Too much stuffy elvhen things? Well, are you happy now? My vallaslins were slave markings, my gods were warlords drunk on their pride, and my boring elvhen lover is apparently the Dread Wolf dead set on destroying my world. You got what you wanted.” 

The quiet fell onto the room so loudly, after Namari finished her rant that her ears seemed to hurt from the echoes of her own voice. They all looked taken aback, especially Sera whose face screwed up in anger for a moment, then turned around and left the room without saying a word. 

“I think it’s time for you to go to bed now. You got what you wanted, you’ve hurt us enough,” Dorian said, finally, his voice tired. 

“I agree. Sorry, Boss, but at this point, I don’t even trust you to get across the castle without fainting.” Bull said and just scooped her up onto his shoulders. 

She tried to protest but found, that she could barely form coherent words. All the hatred seemed to drain from her, leaving only exhaustion behind. Her eyes closed down slowly, colouring the world blood-red as the torch light dripped through her eyelids promising violent dreams. She didn’t remember much from the journey to her room, only the cold mountain wind on her bare shoulders and a few, barely audible whispers. 

“I take it that didn’t go well,” Cassandra remarked. 

“As you have probably heard. As probably half of Skyhold heard.” 

“They’ll forget it quickly. We’ll make them forget. 

“Are you channeling Leliana, dear ambassador? I wouldn't have thought mass-murder to be your style.” Dorian joked, but the usual enthusiasm was missing from his words. 

“Should I rephrase it? She’ll get gather herself together and will do what she does best – give the people hope again.” 

“Maker knows they need it. I need it.” 

... 

The night was too long, it stretching over Namari like skin waiting to be tanned. In her dreams, she chased a wolf through the dark woods. She stumbled through roots and thorns that tore open her skin, leaving a stream of blood behind. Sweat was dripping from her forehead, leaving a salty taste in her mouth. Still, she seemed to inch closer and closer to him. Over time, that felt like hours, she reached him, falling behind with only a few steps. She reached out to grab him, but at that moment, she tripped on something. She scrambled to his feet, as quick as she could but the wolf already was far ahead of her. She cursed and looked down to see what she tripped on. It was a severed head, face down on the ground. She staggered and grabbed the nearest tree to support herself. She knew that she needed to see who it was but just couldn’t get herself to move. The leaves rattled on the branches, like bones clinking together as she stared at the head, unmoving. 

The wolf stopped running and watched her from the distance. The six burning red eyes followed her every flinch, like embers in the dark. 

She slowly let go of the tree, reining her trembling legs. She grabbed a wooden stick and turned up the head with it before she could hesitate. Her own face was staring back at her. And as she looked up, she realized that she knew this forest. The remnants of the Lavellan Clan surrounded her. Tents torn apart and corpses on the ground. She felt like she couldn’t breathe as she stumbled amongst her family scattered on the grass, wet from the blood. She repeated their names like a prayer as if there still was someone to pray to. Deshanna, Velyan, Shiwen, Felriel, Ilras, Dorian, Leliana, Josephine, the Iron Bull, Sera, Cassandra... 

As she finally looked up, the wolf was nowhere to be found. Instead, Solas was standing in his place in his apostate clothes, looking upon her with eyes full of sorrow. Until now, she wanted to yell at him, scream at him but as grief flooded her like an ocean, threatening to drown her she needed him. She knew that he grieved with her, or rather, for her. For the person she could have been if she hadn’t cut herself so badly with the glass shards of her shattered life. For the lover, the wife and the mother. She sobbed, making the world around her just as hazy and uncertain as she felt it was. 

Stumbling around, she almost tripped on a root, that the veil of her tears hid from her sight, but a hand caught her just in time. 

“Mala suledin nadas, ma vhenan.” 

Namari held onto her anchor as she cried, the world slowly crumbling around them. She wished that she could stay here forever in his arms, that made the ground under her stop trembling. Such a humble disguise for a god, she thought before everything around her disappeared and she woke up in cold sweat and panting. It took some time for her to take in the world around her. The morning lights were playing tag with the shadows on her wall, and the breeze that came through the open window made her shiver. 

“Are you cold?” 

She whipped her head around, only to find Dorian sitting at her table. He seemed exhausted, dark circles stretched under his eyes and he was still wearing his clothes from last night. There was an open book before him and a cup of cold tea. 

“Why are you here?” puzzled Namari. 

“I didn’t dare to leave you alone for the night.” 

She stared at him, confused until the memories hit her. She groaned and pressed her face into her pillow. 

“Oh gods. I really made an ass out of myself yesterday, didn’t I?” She asked, her words muffled. 

“Crudely put but, yes. You know that these kinds of insults would warrant a duel to the death in Tevinter? Though, in your defence, you made a rather beautiful ass out of yourself. But regardless, still an ass.” 

“I hope you don’t expect me to duel you. I’m awful with swords.” 

“Don’t worry, I think the awful headache you must be having right now is enough punishment for you.” 

As he mentioned it, she instantly became aware of the sharp throbbing in her head. 

“I’m never drinking, ever again.” 

“They all say that,” Dorian remarked wisely. 

“Aren’t you leaving today?” she asked, suddenly looking up from her pillow. 

“I am. The Magisterium is waiting for me to wreak havoc on it.” 

“I’m so sorry Dorian. We were supposed to have fun yesterday and I messed it all up.” 

This was the last time they’d see each other for months, if not years. The remains of the Inquisition were moving from Skyhold to Val Royeaux to serve as Divine Victoria’s peacekeeping force, and he was travelling to Tevinter, to try to reform the Imperium. They all had their duties; Inquisitor Lavellan and Magister Pavus were important people. That meant, Namari and Dorian had very little time for the people they loved. Their family was scattering through all of Thedas and that scared them both even if they didn’t say out loud. 

“Don’t apologize. You are hurting, Namari, more than your drunk insults could ever hurt me. I’m just glad, that I had the time to accompany you from Val Royaeux to Skyhold after the Conclave. I wish that I could help more.” 

“We are all wishing for more time, aren’t we?” 

“I suppose.” 

Silence fell over the room as they both stared through the window, watching the preparations for the moving. Potion bottles clanked together as they were put away into boxes padded with cloth, and chests with the insignia of the Inquisition were stacked on top of each other.

“Thank you, for staying with me for the night.” 

She was thanking him for way more than that and Dorian seemed to understand it, as he looked taken aback. 

“You are welcome, my friend.” 

She sighed and climbed out of her bed, trying her best to ignore her headache. 

“I think it’s time to apologize to Sera and Bull too.” 

… 

“I appreciate your apology Boss, but it’s not me who you have to worry about.” 

“Sera didn’t take it well, did she?” 

Bull poured himself a drink before answering and Namari felt nauseous from the smell. 

“You know what she is like.” 

Sera was all insults and biting jokes, but she was sensitive about the things she took seriously. She was hard to offend, but if someone managed to, then they really struck hard. Namari could feel the guilt rising in her throat. 

“Where is she now?” 

“She is upstairs in her room.” 

“Thanks, Bull.” 

She was already walking to the stairs when he interrupted her. 

“Wait. We are going away with the Chargers. Pickin’ up new jobs, guarding cargo and all that stuff. Me and my boys need some air after... All of this. But if you ever need us then we'll be here. Both for the Inquisitor and you.” 

Namari’s throat tightened but she managed to force out a weak response. 

"I... I appreciate it.” 

Bull nodded and turned back to his drink leaving her alone with the terrifying prospect of talking to Sera. Namari liked her, but they had their differences in the past – though they never reached the outright hostility she and Vivienne shared sometimes. Namari hoped that they wouldn’t reach it now. She needed Sera’s humour, even if she mostly just listened to her banter with the Bull or the people around her. She admired her ability to make fun of the world around them. It was something she wanted to learn, to carry with herself all the time as a reminder that maybe, just maybe there are good things in life. We just need to know where to look for them. 

She inhaled and exhaled slowly before she hesitantly she knocked on Sera’s door. 

“What do you want?” a muffled voice asked. 

“Sera, it’s me-” 

“Then go away.” 

“I want to apologize.” 

Only silence and a loud shuffling followed for (several) long seconds. Namari was just considering leaving when the door opened before her, revealing a very tired Sera. She was still wearing her nightclothes and her hair looked like It seemed like she’d only woken up recently. Or she just decided not to care about anyone or anything at all today. Both were possible. 

“I... I was an asshole last night. You really didn’t deserve any of the things that I said to you, and I’m sorry for it. I’m just...” 

She made a helpless motion with her hands before continuing. 

“I was so sure that I’d lose you all at one point, that I felt like I’d rather lose you on my own terms. So that I would expect it and it didn’t take me by surprise.” 

For a few moments, they stood in uncomfortable silence before Sera opened her mouth. 

“You really are an idiot.” 

Namari looked at her, confused and seeing her expression a burst of strained laughter bubbled up from her mouth. Her relief was almost tangible. 

“Right? Who even let me lead this thing?” 

“I don’t know but they are even stupider than you,” she snorted. 

Namari laughed and suddenly embraced the other elf, surprising Sera. 

“Aaah!!” she yelped. “What’s this for?” 

“It's an apology hug. Deal with it.” 

They stood together for a few seconds quietly, until Sera said : 

“This is really weird. And sappy.” 

“Agreed. Let’s just go back to quietly despising each other.” 

“Good idea.” 

…... 

The moving surprisingly went without a hitch, mainly thanks to Josephine’s organizational skills. By the morning when the first carriages began to leave, everything was taken into stock and packed up. It was weird to see Skyhold so empty, only the muffled yelling from the yard percolating through the walls. She was used to moving, stability had never been a part of her life, but still, leaving the castle behind felt like leaving a part of herself behind. As a goodbye, she took a walk along the corridors, like a ghost haunting her long-abandoned home. She gently traced the paintings in Solas’s old room with her fingertips and sat on the balcony for a bit, enjoying the icy wind playing with her hair. 

Still, when she left, she didn’t look back. 

The days became shorter on the road, as the autumn approached. Looking out from the window, she saw the leaves cascading from the trees and breaking with a loud crunch under the wheels of her carriage. Sometimes swarms of swallows flew next to them, leaving Thedas until the spring. She almost wished sometimes that she could do the same thing, but when she looked at the faces of her remaining companions, she felt at home. She still dreamt of the wolf with six burning eyes, but she no longer chased him. They had silent conversations from afar, talking about nothing particular, but the important things that can be only conveyed through quiet glances. 

She started to weave again. It was harder with only one hand and she sometimes felt like crying when the yarn tangled up again or when she missed a row, but she made it work. It was something the elders of her clan taught her, and she wasn't about to give up her inheritance. She weaved until the last sheds of light disappeared, leaving her hands hurting and her eyes burning. It took years to get it done, they had been in Val Royeaux long enough that the word “home” rolled on her tongue easily when she managed to finish it. It was a picture of the Inquisition, her family. People who saw it commented on her skills and the accuracy she managed to capture Cassandra’s steel features or the posture of Cullen with. They never mentioned the wolf looming in the background of the picture, eyes burning like embers. Some things were better left unsaid.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Zoryany for the support and the beta-ing! Check out her stuff, she is seriously amazing. <3 
> 
> I went through it on my own after her, and as I am not a native speaker if there are any remaining mistakes that's probably my fault, not hers.


End file.
